A NIGHT IN ELSINORE
by Richard Nathan
ACT I
Scene I
Scene I takes place on a platform in front of Elsinore Castle. FRANCISCO is on duty. Enter BERNARDO.
BERNARDO
Who's there?
FRANCISCO
Nay, answer me. Stand and unfold yourself.
BERNARDO
Long live the King!
FRANCISCO
Bernardo?
BERNARDO
I am he.
FRANCISCO
You come most carefully upon your hour.
BERNARDO
'Tis now struck twelve.
Off stage, there is the sound of someone approaching.
FRANCISCO
Who is there? Stand ho!
Enter HORATIO, who is dressed rather shabbily and who speaks with an unusual Italian accent. He is more an antique Roman than a Dane.
HORATIO
That's right! You guessed it.
BERNARDO
What's right? Guessed what?
HORATIO
You said, "Stand Ho!" That's me! Ho!
BERNARDO
Ho! Ho who?
HORATIO
Gezundheit!
FRANCISCO
Why, 'tis good Horatio! How dost thou, Horatio?
HORATIO
I don't do much dusting anymore. I'm a guard now.
I guard the castle gate, and I do a pretty good job
too.
FRANCISCO
Really?
HORATIO
Sure. It's still there.
BERNARDO
Has the apparition appeared again tonight?
FRANCISCO
I have seen nothing.
BERNARDO
Horatio, do you know ought of the Ghost?
HORATIO
Well, I ought to. Hey, that's some funny joke,
eh?
BERNARDO
Come, come, Horatio. Do you know anything
of ghosts?
HORATIO
Sure, I knew an old ghost once. But that was a
long, long time ago. He's probably dead by now.
FRANCISCO
Look! It comes again! The ghost of our late King
Hamlet!
Enter the GHOST, a bright-eyed imp who happens to be mute.
BERNARDO
There is the apparition!
HORATIO
I don't believe it.
The Ghost and Horatio joyously embrace.
BERNARDO
Stay illusion! If thou hast any sound or use of
voice, speak to me!
The Ghost honks a horn.
FRANCISCO
Question it, Horatio.
HORATIO
Hey, Ghost, how ya doing?
The Ghost does a melodramatic death scene.
HORATIO
You're dead, huh? Gee, that's too bad.
The Ghost sits up and nods his head "yes."
FRANCISCO
Ask him about the war!
HORATIO
What war?
FRANCISCO
Ask him if we should go to war with young
Fortinbras!
HORATIO
Hey, Ghost, should we go to war with Fortinbras?
The Ghost shakes his head "no." He hold up ten fingers, and then three fingers.
HORATIO
No. He says Fortinbras is too many. He thinks we
should go to war with thirteen-bras.
The Ghost slaps his knee and goes into fits of silent laughter.
FRANCISCO
No, no! You remember, young Fortinbras is the
son of old Fortinbras, who was King of Norway,
until our late King Hamlet killed him and took most
of the Norwegian lands.
The Ghost mocks Francisco's overly-serious manner, and makes faces at him. Suddenly he looks offstage and panics.
HORATIO
What's the matter?
The Ghost starts to run offstage, but Horatio blocks his way.
HORATIO
Where you going? What're you doing?
The Ghost whistles and points to the horizon.
HORATIO
What do you mean? I don't get it.
The Ghost decides to explain in pantomime. The Ghost points down.
HORATIO
Down?
The Ghost whistles and nods enthusiastically. Then the Ghost mimes picking up something and raising it.
HORATIO
What? Down is up? You're crazy! How can
down be up?
The Ghost shakes his head "no." He holds out a hand to signal that he wants to start again.
HORATIO
Okay. We start again.
The Ghost mimes putting a cigar into his mouth, and then loping across the stage while raising and lowering his eyebrows.
HORATIO
Wait a minute! I think I seen that guy before. Let
me think ... I know! That's the man who comes
to fix the sink!
The Ghost shakes his head "no."
HORATIO
No? Who is it?
The Ghost mimes holding a baby in his arms, acting like a father.
HORATIO
It's your son? It's Prince Hamlet? The one you
named after yourself? Funny, he looks just
like the man who comes to fix the sink.
The Ghost threatens to hit Horatio.
HORATIO
OK. Hamlet. He's your son. Your son!
The Ghost mimes proudly holding the baby in his arms. Then he mimes lifting the baby up.
HORATIO
He's going up? Hamlet's going up?
The Ghost shakes his head "no," and then holds out his hand to signal that he wants to try again.
HORATIO
OK. We try again.
The Ghost again mimes Hamlet loping across the stage. Then, as Hamlet, he starts silently weeping and crying.
HORATIO
Hamlet. He's sad. He's crying. Why's he crying?
The Ghost points to himself and does his death scene again. Then he goes back to Hamlet crying, and pointing to where he died.
HORATIO
He cries because you're dead. He's in mourning.
As soon as Horatio says, "mourning," the Ghost starts joyfully jumping up and down and nodding "yes."
HORATIO
That's it!!! Mourning! It's morning ...
The Ghost again mimes lifting the baby.
HORATIO
. . . and something's going up. The sun is coming
up! It's morning, dawn! It's dawn, and the sun is
coming up, so you've got to leave now. OK, I
understand. Good-bye, Ghost. I'll be seeing you.
Good-bye.
The Ghost exits, waving good-bye and blowing kisses.
HORATIO
Hey, he's a nice ghost.
FRANCISCO
Come. Let us impart what we have seen tonight
to young Prince Hamlet.
Exeunt.
**********************************************************
Scene II
Scene II takes place in a room in Elsinore Castle. Flourish. Enter the KING, the QUEEN, HAMLET (who has his back to the audience), POLONIUS, LAERTES, and OPHELIA. The King is a slightly overweight man with a beard and a middle-European accent. His name is Claudius. Gertrude, the Queen, is a stately dowager-type. Polonius is a foolish old man. Ophelia is an attractive blonde who is very clever and very ambitious. Laertes is a young man, excitable, but not very bright. In the original production of this play, he was played in a style resembling Daffy Duck (including the lisp), and it worked.
KING
Though yet of Hamlet our dear brother's death
the memory be green, and it befitted us to
bear our hearts in grief, and our whole kingdom
to be contracted in one brow of woe, it's time
we faced the fact the old king's dead, and I must
run the kingdom. I thank you all for your
condolences on the death of my brother, the
late King, as I thank you for your good wishes
on my marriage to his widow, the Queen.
Now then, on to our royal business. Young
Fortinbras has demanded that we surrender
the lands lost by his father. I have sent word
to the aged king of Norway, ordering him to
bring young Fortinbras into line! Not one
patch of land shall we give up!
The King looks around the room. Everyone except Hamlet looks pleased. The King looks at Laertes.
KING
Now, good Laertes, did you have something you
wished to ask of me?
LAERTES
Yes, Sire, your leave and favor to return to
France.
KING
Ahh, France, eh? I'm told that France is a
lovely country, and I hear they make most
excellent wines there. Go. Enjoy yourself.
And be sure to send some postcards.
Now, my nephew Hamlet, my son, how
is it the clouds still hang on you?
Hamlet turns to face the audience, and we see his face for the first time. Hamlet has a big, black mustache that looks as if it might have been painted on, and he smokes a cigar.
HAMLET
Nay, I am too much in the sun! Get it? That's a
joke. My real father just died, and now I've got
you for a father, so I'm too much in the sun! Boy,
that Shakespeare sure could write. I'd like to see
Francis Bacon pull off a joke like that.
KING
Hmmmmm. Come, Hamlet, my son, how is it the
clouds still hang on you?
HAMLET
I don't know. Maybe it's because you're reigning.
QUEEN
Good Hamlet, I know full well the love you bore
your father. But cast thy nighted color off! If he
were here today, do you think your father would
want us to mourn on and on, wearing the same
customary suit of solemn black, day in and day out?
HAMLET
Well, he'd probably ask you to change your socks.
QUEEN
Hamlet, . . .
HAMLET
In fact, that's still a pretty good idea. And while
you're at it, change your husband.
QUEEN
Hamlet, I loved your dear, departed father. No
woman could have loved him more.
HAMLET
Of course not! No other dame ever had a chance,
not with you watching him like a hawk. And a
fat lot of good it did him, ... poor old Dad.
KING
Hamlet, it's unfortunate that your father died, but
fathers have a way of doing that. My father died,
and his father died before him, and his father
died...
HAMLET
Yeah, but uncles go on forever. Don't you?
KING
Hamlet, why don't you try to think of me as
your father?
HAMLET
OK, bury yourself six feet underground, and I'll
give it a shot.
KING
Gertrude, we must do something about this son of
yours.
Exeunt all but Hamlet.
HAMLET
Oh that this too, too solid flesh would melt, or at
least that they would turn up the heat a little. To
think that it should come to this! My father but
two months dead, and my mother married to this
satyr. I recall the day they wed. It was a satyr-day.
Heaven and Earth, must I remember? My mother
has married my uncle, and turned me into my own
cousin. Frailty, thy name is woman. And woman,
thy name is Frailty. My name is Hamlet, and I'm
ashamed to meet the both of you.
Enter Horatio, Francisco and Bernardo. Horatio consults with his friends.
HORATIO
Hey, is that him?
HAMLET
Horatio, -- or I do forget myself!
HORATIO
Well, I don't know. Who do you think you are?
HAMLET
I'm Hamlet, Prince of Denmark.
HORATIO
Then you don't forget yourself... not unless you're
the man who comes to fix the sink. Then you got
a problem.
HAMLET
This can't be anyone but Horatio. Don't you
remember me? We went to school together!
HORATIO
Sure, I know you! You're Hamlet!
HAMLET
And you're Horatio! But I thought you were still
going to school in Wittenberg.
HORATIO
No, I left there a long time ago. I was too smart for
them.
HAMLET
Oh really?
HORATIO
Yeah. All the professors said they'd never be able
to teach me anything.
HAMLET
Horatio, something is rotten in the state of Denmark,
and I think it's you.
HORATIO
That reminds me. I think I saw your father's ghost
last night!
HAMLET
What? Are you sure it was him? Did you speak
to him?
HORATIO
We spoke. But he wouldn't answer.
HAMLET
That sounds like Dad, all right. Listen, boys, this is
something I'm going to have to see for myself. Let's
meet at the top of the castle tonight.
Exeunt.
**********************************************************
Scene III
Scene III takes place in a room in Polonius' house. Enter Laertes and Ophelia.
LAERTES
My necessaries are embarked. Farewell. And
sister, do be wary of the affections of Prince
Hamlet. Perhaps he does love you now, but he
is subject to his birth, and therefore he must
choose a royal bride.
OPHELIA
Laertes, don't be such an ass! Use your brain for
once! Do you think for one minute that Claudius
is going to let Hamlet marry a princess?
LAERTES
Huh?
OPHELIA
Listen! Hamlet has a better claim to the throne
than his uncle Claudius does, right? If Hamlet
marries into another royal family, he'll gain
powerful allies to help him win the crown. You
think Claudius wants that? All I have to do is
convince the King that Hamlet's been toying
with my affections, and I guarantee you we'll be
married before Hamlet knows what's hit him.
Then I'll figure out some way to get rid of
Claudius, and I'll be Queen of Denmark!
LAERTES
Sister, you're brilliant! But look, here comes
our father!
Enter Polonius.
POLONIUS
Yet here, Laertes? My blessings with thee!
And take these few precepts in thy memory:
Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar.
Enter Horatio.
HORATIO
What's he gonna do in France if he can't be vulgar?
How's he gonna fit in?
POLONIUS
Horatio, you're not supposed to be here, are you?
HORATIO
No, but I got two more hours before I'm supposed
to go to a secret meeting with Hamlet at the top of
the castle, so I got lots of time to kill.
POLONIUS
I was just giving some advice to my son.
HORATIO
That's OK. I'll add vice too. I got lots of vice.
POLONIUS
Very well. Laertes, neither a borrower nor a lender
be . . .
HORATIO
That's a good idea. But you know what? You're too
late. Laertes loaned me ten gold kroner this morning.
POLONIUS
Then give it back to him!
HORATIO
I can't. Right after he gave me the money, I put it
down, and then I lost it.
POLONIUS
You put it down and lost it???
HORATIO
Yeah, I put it down on a horse.
POLONIUS
This is terrible.
HORATIO
Yeah, now your son, he's a lender, and what are we
gonna do? Hey, I got a great idea! You loan me ten
gold kroner, and then I'll pay Laertes back, and then
he won't be a lender anymore.
POLONIUS
But if I lend you the money, then I'll be a lender, and
you'll still be a borrower.
HORATIO
OK, I got a better idea. You don't be a lender, I don't
be a borrower. You just give me the money. How's
that?
POLONIUS
I don't know about this.
HORATIO
You want your son to stay a lender all his life?
Polonius reaches into his money bag and takes out a gold coin.
POLONIUS
But all I've got is this twenty-kroner piece. Have
you got change for that?
HORATIO
No, but I'll take it, just the same.
Horatio pockets the twenty-kroner piece.
POLONIUS
At least you can now pay back to Laertes the
ten kroner you owe him.
HORATIO
Laertes, you got change for twenty kroner?
LAERTES
No, I'm afraid not.
Horatio turns to Polonius.
HORATIO
Now we got another problem. I can't give this
coin to him. If I give him the coin, he'll owe
me money. If he owes me money, then he'll be
a borrower. He can't be a borrower if you just
told him not to be a borrower!
POLONIUS
But...
HORATIO
Hey, I just got another great idea. Laertes, why
don't you just say you gave me the ten gold
kroner? Then you won't be a lender! You won't
be a borrower! You'll just be a nice guy, like
your father!
LAERTES
Sounds okay to me.
Ophelia, the only really smart one in the family, is furious with Horatio. She scolds him, while Polonius and Laertes try to figure out what's been going on.
OPHELIA
Horatio, you're nothing but a cheap, conniving
crook!
HORATIO
Yeah, that's me.
OPHELIA
How can you be so dishonest?
HORATIO
One time I tried to be honest, but then I said to
myself, "Horatio, to thine own self be true."
So if mine own self is a crook, that's what I gotta
do. Good-bye!
Horatio walks out with his twenty-kroner piece. Ophelia glares at him. Laertes and Polonius are still trying to puzzle out what happened to their money. Exeunt Ophelia, Laertes and Polonius.
**********************************************************
Scene IV
Scene IV takes place back on the platform in front of Elsinore Castle, where Scene I took place. Enter Hamlet, Horatio, Bernardo and Francisco.
HAMLET
The air bites shrewdly; it is very cold. Say, are
you fellows sure this is where dear old Dad
is going to show up?
BERNARDO
The ghost has appeared at this very spot three
nights past, my lord, then vanished before the sun
came up.
We hear the distant pounding of a kettledrum, and a flourish of trumpets.
FRANCISCO
What does this mean, my lord?
HAMLET
That's the King. He has the musicians play while
he drinks. He doesn't like to drink alone, so he
has them play eight to the bar. You see, the King
likes to take a drink before he goes to bed at night.
Then he likes to take a drink when he's in bed,
especially if the Queen is still awake. Then the
Queen throws him out of bed, so he has to take
another drink. Then he's ready to throw the Queen
out of bed, which calls for another drink. Every
time he takes a drink, he has the musicians bang
the kettledrum. As soon as the King is as tight
as the drum, he knows it's time to fall asleep.
HORATIO
Hey, that sounds like a pretty good job. You
think I could be a king?
HAMLET
Well, would you be willing to marry your brother's
wife? Do you think you could do that?
Horatio thinks this over.
HORATIO
I don't know.
HAMLET
Well, come on. Do you want to be king, or don't
you?
HORATIO
If I marry the wife, do I get his mistress too?
HAMLET
That's not strictly required. It's not really part of
the job. But I'm sure we could work something
out.
HORATIO
Is she pretty?
HAMLET
The wife or the mistress?
HORATIO
Yes!
HAMLET
You'll have to take that up with your brother.
HORATIO
Hey, I just remembered! I haven't got a brother!
HAMLET
Then you'll have to take that up with your parents.
You do have parents, don't you? Otherwise, you'll
just have to take it up with your grandparents.
HORATIO
I've got a great idea! Why don't I just take your
wife?
HAMLET
My wife? I'm not even married!
HORATIO
That's all right. I can wait.
BERNARDO
Look my lord, it comes!
The Ghost enters, and is overjoyed to see Hamlet. The Ghost claps his hands and runs to embrace his son.
HAMLET
Dad!
As the Ghost embraces Hamlet, the Ghost sticks his hands into the pockets of Hamlet's coat, pulls out an apple, and starts to eat it.
HAMLET
Gee, it's nice to see you, Dad.
The Ghost nods happily, enjoying the apple. Then the Ghost beckons Hamlet to follow him.
HAMLET
I think you boys better go. I think he wants to be
alone with his son.
HORATIO
All right.
Exeunt Horatio, Bernardo and Francisco. Again, the Ghost beckons Hamlet to follow him.
HAMLET
OK, I'll follow you.
Exeunt the Ghost and Hamlet.
**********************************************************
Scene V
Scene V takes place on another part of the platform. Enter the Ghost and Hamlet.
HAMLET
Where wilt thou lead me? I'll go no further.
The Ghost shrugs, and stops.
HAMLET
So, Dad, what's new?
The Ghost points to the apple core, grins, and gestures that he'd like something else to eat.
HAMLET
I'm sorry, I don't have any more apples.
The Ghost makes a horrible disgusted face and turns away from Hamlet.
HAMLET
Gee, if I'd only known, I...
The Ghost makes a disparaging wave of his arms at Hamlet, and makes another horrible face.
HAMLET
Dad, isn't there something you wanted to tell me?
The Ghost suddenly remembers! He claps his hands and sits Hamlet down, and indicates that Hamlet should watch him.
HAMLET
Oh. OK. You're going to tell me a story.
The Ghost nods his head happily. Then he reaches into his coat and pulls out a little pillow. He puts the pillow down on the floor and mimes going to sleep with his head on the pillow. Hamlet waits for a minute, watching the Ghost sleep.
HAMLET
Say, I thought Ghost stories were supposed to
keep you awake.
The Ghost puts his fingers to his lips to indicate that Hamlet should be quiet, while he's sleeping.
HAMLET
OK, you're sleeping. Where are you sleeping?
The Ghost, still pretending to be asleep, holds up his hand, with the back of his hand facing the audience. Then he pushes up the apple core to the top of his fingers, and mimes plucking an apple.
HAMLET
Oh, you're asleep in the apple orchard. I remember,
you liked to sleep there!
The Ghost nods "yes."
HAMLET
What happens next?
The Ghost stands up, takes the pillow and puts it under his shirt. He pretends to be fat. Then he pulls at an imaginary beard.
HAMLET
A fat man... a fat man with a beard...
The Ghost makes an ugly face and mimes yelling and being angry.
HAMLET
A fat, nasty man with a beard! Your brother
Claudius!
The Ghost nods "yes." Then he goes back to putting on the nasty, evil face of Claudius. He stomps around the stage, pulling on his beard.
HAMLET
What does he do?
The Ghost, pretending to be Claudius, notices the apple core lying on the stage. He picks it up, sees that it's been eaten, and brutishly throws it away. He looks around the stage, and then looks in surprise at the spot where the Ghost was sleeping. The Ghost whips out the pillow, and resumes sleeping at that spot.
HAMLET
OK, Claudius found you sleeping. What
happened next?
The Ghost jumps up, puts the pillow back in under his shirt, and pretends to be Claudius. He reaches into his coat, and pulls out a bottle of poison. Then he reaches into his coat with his other hand and pulls out a funnel. He walks over to where the Ghost has been sleeping, and mimes putting the funnel into the sleeping man's ear, and he pours the contents of the bottle into the funnel. Then the Ghost whips out the pillow and becomes himself sleeping, with the funnel in his ear, and the poison being poured into it. The Ghost wakes up and dies horribly.
HAMLET
Oh no! Murder! Foul and unnatural murder!
Claudius poured poison into your ear and
killed you!!! Oh murder most foul!!!
The Ghost sits up and nods his head in agreement.
HAMLET
Oh horrible! Oh, horrible, most horrible! ...
Well, what do you want me to do about it?
The Ghost mimes hitting, kicking, choking, and jumping up and down on someone.
HAMLET
You want me to take revenge on Claudius?
The Ghost nods "yes."
HAMLET
Well, that sounds fair enough. What about Mom?
The Ghost shakes his head "no." He reaches into his coat and takes out a poster-sized picture of the Queen. He kisses the picture and looks coy.
HAMLET
Not Mom. You still love Mom. Aww, that's
sweet. It's crazy, but it's sweet. Maybe you
should have your head examined, or at least
your eyes.
The Ghost clutches the picture of the Queen to his chest, and looks threateningly at Hamlet.
HAMLET
OK! Don't worry. I won't hurt Mom. Just Claudius.
The Ghost shakes Hamlet's hand and pats him on the back. Then the Ghost proceeds to put the picture, the pillow, the bottle and the funnel back into his coat.
HAMLET
You have to go so soon?
The Ghost points to the horizon.
HAMLET
Oh, I see. The dawn is coming up. OK, Dad. It
was nice seeing you again. I'll get your revenge
for you. You can count on me.
The Ghost waves good-bye and exits.
HAMLET
Hmmmm. Now what am I going to do? I
can't just go downstairs and kill Claudius.
This is only Act I, and we've still got a
whole play to fill up. I know! I'll pretend I've
gone crazy. That won't help me get revenge,
but it should take up a few hours, and it may
liven things up around here.
Enter Horatio, Bernardo, and Francisco.
BERNARDO
Lord Hamlet!
FRANCISCO
What news, my lord?
HAMLET
Listen, boys, I don't want any of you to ever say
a word about seeing that ghost, all right?
Off stage, the Ghost honks his horn.
HAMLET
Swear!
BERNARDO
Propose the oath, my lord, and we will swear it.
HAMLET
Never to speak of what you have seen this night.
FRANCISCO
But we haven't seen anything!
HAMLET
Then never to speak of what you haven't seen!
HORATIO
I'm not sure I can remember everything I haven't
seen.
Off stage, the Ghost honks his horn.
HAMLET
Swear! Swear that you'll remember to forget
everything you haven't seen.
HORATIO
I don't know. I've got a pretty good memory.
Hamlet gives each of then a gold kroner piece.
HAMLET
Look, I'm going to lend each of you ten kroner.
Will you remember to pay back this loan?
HORATIO
What loan?
FRANCISCO
We have forgotten everything, my lord!
Off stage, the Ghost honks his horn.
HAMLET
Swear! Swear by my sword.
Hamlet isn't wearing a sword in this scene. After this scene, he does wear a sword.
HORATIO
You forgot to bring your sword!
HAMLET
Then cross your hearts and hope to die!
Off stage, the Ghost honks his horn.
HAMLET
Swear!
HORATIO, BERNARDO,
& FRANCISCO
We swear!
HAMLET
So, gentlemen, let us go in together; and still your
fingers on your lips, I pray. The time is out of joint.
Oh cursed spite, that ever I was born to set it right!
Exeunt.
**********************************************************
ACT II
Scene I
Scene I of Act II takes place at Polonius's house. It's one month later. Polonius enters. A moment later, Ophelia runs in.
POLONIUS
How now, Ophelia? What's the matter?
OPHELIA
Oh my lord, my lord, I have been so affrighted!
POLONIUS
With what?
OPHELIA
Have you noticed anything peculiar about Prince
Hamlet recently?
POLONIUS
Hamlet? He's always been peculiar, ... but now
that you mention it, he has been acting very
strangely late. Why do you ask?
OPHELIA
He came to my room just now. He took me by
the wrist and held me hard, then he fell to such
perusal of my face as if he would draw it, and then
he raised a sigh so piteous and profound, ... I
think he loves me.
POLONIUS
This sounds like the very ecstasy of love! Have you
given him any hard words of late?
OPHELIA
I've been refusing to see him, as you told me I must.
You ordered me to stay away from him because he
would never be permitted to marry someone of my
lowly station.
POLONIUS
I was wrong! He truly loves you, and your rejection
has driven him mad! In the morning e must go to the
King.
Polonius exits. Ophelia watches him go off.
OPHELIA
My poor foolish father. How easy it is to lead you
from the truth. If the King as readily believes these
lies of Hamlet's love, then soon shall I shall be
Queen of Denmark!
Ophelia exits after Polonius. Enter Horatio with the Ghost of Hamlet's father. They have been listening to the preceding scene.
HORATIO
Hey Ghost, did you hear that? It's a good thing we
decided to spy. That lady's gonna make trouble for
Hamlet. I got to remember to warn him!
The Ghost nods in agreement. Exeunt Horatio and the Ghost.
*********************************************************
Scene II
Scene II takes place in a room in the Castle. This room has an arras (a tapestry wall hanging.) Enter the King and Queen, followed by ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN. Rosencrantz is a portly fellow with a tiny mustache, who affects very polished manners. Guildenstern is thin and speaks with an English accent.
KING
Welcome, dear Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
Moreover, that we much did long to see you, the
need we have to use you did provoke our hasty
sending.
ROSENCRANTZ
Your Majesties!
Rosencrantz makes a very deep bow. Guildenstern taps Rosencrantz on the shoulder and points to Claudius.
GUILDENSTERN
Who's he?
ROSENCRANTZ
That's the King!
GUILDENSTERN
I thought you said the King was dead.
ROSENCRANTZ
The old King is dead. This is the new King!
Guildenstern looks at the King very carefully.
GUILDENSTERN
He doesn't look very new to me.
Rosencrantz speaks to the King.
ROSENCRANTZ
Please forgive my friend, your Majesty. We've
had a very long trip, and he's tired.
GUILDENSTERN
No I'm not. We had a nap after lunch...
Rosencrantz glares at Guildenstern, silencing him.
KING
I trust that you have heard something of Prince
Hamlet's transformation. I don't know what
may have caused this sudden change in him.
You are two of his oldest and dearest friends.
Perhaps you can tell us what is the matter.
QUEEN
Good gentlemen, Hamlet has often talked of you.
I'm sure there aren't two men living of whom he
is more fond. Please stay with us awhile, and we
will see that you are well rewarded.
ROSENCRANTZ
It will be our pleasure to obey your every command,
your Majesties.
GUILDENSTERN
That's right! After all, you are the King, even if you're
not dead yet, so if there's anything we can do to make
your job any easier, just call on us.
ROSENCRANTZ
He means we're ready to do whatever you tell us. The
most difficult task won't be too difficult for us to attempt!
Isn't that right, Guildenstern?
GUILDENSTERN
Yes, and the simplest task won't be simple enough for us
to do either. What is it you want us to do, anyway?
KING
Tell us what is wrong with Prince Hamlet!!!
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern confer privately in whispers, then Guildenstern speaks.
GUILDENSTERN
We heard he's gone screwy.
KING
We know that! Find out why he's gone screwy!!!
ROSENCRANTZ
We'll do our best, your Majesty.
QUEEN
Go, and find Prince Hamlet!
Exeunt Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. Enter Polonius.
POLONIUS
My good lord, the ambassador from Norway has
returned!
KING
I trust he brings good news.
POLONIUS
That reminds me, I think I have discovered the cause
of Hamlet's lunacy.
KING
Oh? That is something I long to hear!
POLONIUS
First listen to the ambassador. My news shall be the
fruit to that great feast.
KING
Go then, and bring in the ambassador.
Polonius exits. The King turns to the Queen.
KING
Did you hear that? Polonius thinks he has discovered
the source of your son's strange behavior.
QUEEN
I don't think it is anything but his father's death, and our
o'er hasty marriage, but we shall see.
Re-enter Polonius with VOLTIMAND, the ambassador from Norway.
KING
Well, what news from the King of Norway?
VOLTIMAND
The King was very surprised by your letter. He
thought young Fortinbras was preparing to invade
Poland, but when he found that Fortinbras actually
meant to attack Denmark, he rebuked him most
severely. Young Fortinbras then promised the King
he would never invade Denmark, but asked if he
might invade Poland instead. He would like your
permission to bring his army through Denmark, on
his way to attack the Poles.
KING
Well, that sounds like a reasonable request. Go back
to Norway, and give young Fortinbras my permission
| to bring his army through Denmark.
Exit Voltimand. The King turns to Polonius.
KING
Now, Polonius, tell us your news!
POLONIUS
I have a daughter. She has told me that Hamlet has
been sending her love letters. I said to her, "Lord
Hamlet is a prince, and above thy station! Avoid
him!" She has avoided him, and since that time, he
has gone mad!
KING
Could this be true?
QUEEN
It may be.
POLONIUS
My daughter has given me an idea. Prince Hamlet
often walks alone here in this part of the castle.
Tomorrow my daughter will wait to meet him here.
We shall hide behind this arras, and see what happens
then.
KING
We will try it.
Enter Hamlet, reading a book.
QUEEN
Look, how sadly the poor wretch comes reading.
POLONIUS
Leave me to talk with him alone.
Exeunt the King and Queen.
POLONIUS
How does my lord Hamlet?
HAMLET
Booga-booga-booga!
POLONIUS
Do you know me, my lord?
HAMLET
Let's see, ... Aren't you Abie the Fishman?
POLONIUS
Not I, my lord.
HAMLET
No, I guess that was another play. It's too bad.
There were a lot more laughs in that show. So,
who are you, anyway? No, wait! Let me guess!
Have you got a daughter?
POLONIUS
I have, my lord.
HAMLET
Tell me, ... does your daughter fool around?
POLONIUS
Never!
HAMLET
Good, because you know what fooling around can
lead to, don't you? Grandchildren! And grandchildren
can lead to great- grandchildren! You know, there'd
be a lot less fooling around here in Denmark if you
old people would just stop having grandchildren!
And at your age too!!! You should be ashamed
of yourself!
POLONIUS
My daughter is a modest, virtuous maiden. She
will make some man a fine wife.
HAMLET
Good, have her make one for me. In fact, I'll take
half a dozen. No, make it a dozen. Christmas
is coming up, and I need some gifts for my friends.
POLONIUS
What do you read, my lord?
HAMLET
Words, words, words. I can never remember this
scene, so I keep a copy of the script in here.
POLONIUS
Though this be madness, yet there is method in it.
Enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
POLONIUS
Fare you well, my lord.
Polonius goes over to speak to Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
POLONIUS
You go to seek Prince Hamlet. There he is.
ROSENCRANTZ
(to Polonius)
God save you, sir!
Exit Polonius.
ROSENCRANTZ
My most dear lord!
HAMLET
Eh?
ROSENCRANTZ
Don't you remember us? I am Rosencrantz, and
this is my good friend, Guildenstern!
HAMLET
My most excellent good friends! How do you
both?
ROSENCRANTZ
Not badly. Not badly at all!
HAMLET
Oh, really?
GUILDENSTERN
Yes, we get a big reward if we can find out why
you're screwy.
Rosencrantz takes Guildenstern aside.
ROSENCRANTZ
You weren't supposed to tell him that! That was
supposed to be a secret!
GUILDENSTERN
But he's our friend. If we can't trust him, who can we
trust?
ROSENCRANTZ
We can't trust anyone! Now whatever you do, don't tell
him the King and Queen sent for us.
GUILDENSTERN
You can count on me!
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern go back over to Hamlet.
HAMLET
Tell me, why did you two come to Elsinore?
ROSENCRANTZ
Why, to visit you, my lord. No other reason.
HAMLET
You weren't sent for?
GUILDENSTERN
Yes, we weren't.
HAMLET
I'm glad to hear it. Who didn't send for you?
GUILDENSTERN
The King and Queen.
HAMLET
That's funny, because I've been dying to tell someone
why I've been acting so crazy, but I wouldn't want
to tell anyone who wasn't sent for by the King and
Queen.
Rosencrantz takes Guildenstern aside.
ROSENCRANTZ
What do we say now?
GUILDENSTERN
Let's tell him we were sent for.
ROSENCRANTZ
That's a good idea.
They go back over to Hamlet.
GUILDENSTERN
My lord, we were sent for.
ROSENCRANTZ
Now tell us what's the matter with you.
HAMLET
I have of late, but wherefore I know not, lost all my
mirth. Well, maybe not all my mirth, but I certainly
haven't been having a very good time lately, especially
since you boys showed up!
ROSENCRANTZ
I understand perfectly! You're depressed!
GUILDENSTERN
Does that mean we can collect the reward now?
ROSENCRANTZ
Certainly not! Hamlet's our friend! What kind of
friends would we be if we didn't do something to
cheer him up?
GUILDENSTERN
Well, if we got the reward, we could go out and buy
him a vanilla ice cream cone. That always cheers me
up when I'm decompressed.
ROSENCRANTZ
Hamlet's problems are psychological! He needs to
talk about them, and get them out into the open.
Rosencrantz turns back to Hamlet.
ROSENCRANTZ
Why don't you tell us more about how you feel?
HAMLET
Very well. I didn't want to tell you, but you forced
it out of me. Oh, I'm so ashamed. I just found out ...
I just found out my two best friends are a couple of
morons.
ROSENCRANTZ
No wonder you're depressed! I'd be depressed too
if I found out my best friends were morons. Wouldn't
you, Guildenstern?
GUILDENSTERN
I certainly would, Rosencrantz, but I'd still be your
friend anyway, in spite of it!
Rosencrantz suddenly suspects that Hamlet has insulted them.
ROSENCRANTZ
Wait just a minute! I thought we were your best
friends.
HAMLET
I hate to break it to you boys, but I don't think either
one of you could pass the aptitude test to become
court fools.
GUILDENSTERN
We could too!
ROSENCRANTZ
Come, Guildenstern. We don't have to stay here to
be insulted.
HAMLET
No, you probably don't. But wait! Don't go! I'm
sorry. It's just that I've been so insane lately.
What a piece of work is a man! How noble in
reason. How infinite in faculties! In form and
moving how express and admirable! In action how
like an angel! In apprehension how like a god!
There, if that doesn't convince you I'm crazy,
nothing will! Take a look around this castle if you
want to see what a piece of work is a man! God's
just lucky he didn't give out warranties! Oh, I'm so
depressed.
ROSENCRANTZ
We have some news that may cheer you up, my lord.
On our way into Elsinore, we passed a gentleman
who said he was going to bring back some players to
perform for you tomorrow night!
HAMLET
That's funny. I was just saying to Horatio how much
I'd like to see a really good play.
Hamlet addresses the audience directly on the next line.
HAMLET
(to audience)
And I bet you folks feel the same way.
Enter Horatio.
HORATIO
Hey, Hamlet, have I got a deal for you!!!
HAMLET
Why is it that suddenly suicide seems like a good
idea?
HORATIO
You say you want to see a play, so I go out and I
find the finest players in the land, just for you!
HAMLET
Really? When can I see them?
HORATIO
Not so fast. First you got to talk to their manager.
HAMLET
Who's their manager, as if I couldn't guess?
HORATIO
It's funny you should ask. When I found these
players, they're the finest players in the land,
but guess what? They haven't got a manager!
So what can I do? My friend Prince Hamlet
wants to see a play, but how's he going to hire
these players without a manager? Then I get a
wonderful idea!!! I'll be their manager!
GUILDENSTERN
Gee, isn't he a swell guy?
ROSENCRANTZ
He certainly is!
HAMLET
How much are you going to charge me to see these
players?
HORATIO
Twenty kroner.
HAMLET
Twenty kroner? That's not bad.
HORATIO
That's just to see them. Now if you want them to
put on a play, that's another fifty kroner.
HAMLET
What kind of play will they put on for this ... total
of seventy kroner?
HORATIO
Well, there's two kinds of plays. There's good
plays and bad plays. If you want a good play, it's
an extra fifty kroner.
HAMLET
Well then, have them put on a bad play.
HORATIO
I'm sorry, they don't do bad plays. They've got a
reputation to hold up.
HAMLET
A hundred and twenty kroner sounds right for a
hold-up. Is that the entire cost?
HORATIO
Sure, that's the whole price. One hundred and
twenty kroner for a real good play. Oh, I almost
forgot to ask, you don't want them to learn their
lines, do you?
HAMLET
No, I wouldn't think of it.
HORATIO
Cause if you did, that would be another thirty
kroner.
HAMLET
Just have them read the lines.
HORATIO
They can't read.
. HAMLET
On second thought, why be stingy? Let them
learn their lines! We've got a deal then! One
hundred and fifty kroner.
Hamlet pays the money to Horatio. Enter Polonius.
POLONIUS
My lord, there are some men at the castle gate,
who claim to be players ....
HAMLET
Then let them in! Let them in!
Polonius goes to get the players.
HAMLET
I'm really looking forward to this. It's about time
we had some good sophisticated adult drama
around here.
Polonius comes back in with the three players: the FIRST PLAYER is a grumpy, bossy man with a Prince Valiant-type haircut, the SECOND PLAYER has very frizzy hair, and the THIRD PLAYER is a fat, bald idiot.
HAMLET
So these are the finest players in the land?
HORATIO
They must be. No one else can get these prices!
HAMLET
Well, let's see what they can do. Give me a sample.
I want to hear something old and classical.
Hamlet turns to the First Player.
HAMLET
Do you know "The Death of Priam"?
FIRST PLAYER
I didn't even know he was sick!
HAMLET
Well, that's old, but it isn't classical. That's one of
the oldest jokes I've ever heard. How is it that you
don't know the famous speech about the death of
King Priam? All great actors know that speech!
Your manager here said that you were the finest
players in the land!
THIRD PLAYER
We are! We get fined in every town we play in!
The Third Player laughs. The First Player slaps the Third Player on the forehead, and the Third Player squeals.
SECOND PLAYER
Listen, we're very good at what we do!
HAMLET
And what is it you do?
SECOND PLAYER
Mostly we call each other names, make funny noises,
hit each other, and poke each other in the eye.
HAMLET
Is there much of an audience for that?
THIRD PLAYER
Certainly!!!
POLONIUS
I have heard of these players, my lord. They are
very successful.
HAMLET
I repeat: What a piece of work is a man! How noble
in reason!
FIRST PLAYER
You still want a sample? Watch what we can do!
HAMLET
Are you going to hit the fat guy again?
FIRST PLAYER
Sure, if that's what you want.
HAMLET
Only if you keep it up until you kill him. Actually,
I was hoping for something a little more refined.
THIRD PLAYER
We're very refined. Whenever we go into a town,
right after we get fined once, we always get
re-fined.
The Third Player laughs. The First Player slaps him on the forehead, and he squeals.
HAMLET
This could quickly become monotonous.
The First Player hits the Second Player on the forehead.
SECOND PLAYER
Ow!!! What did you hit me for?
FIRST PLAYER
Variety!
HAMLET
Couldn't you do something poetic, with lots of
conflict, a tragedy about man's inhumanity to
man?
HORATIO
Why didn't you say that's what you wanted?
These guys specialize in that!
PLAYERS
We do?
HORATIO
Sure! Do the show I taught you this afternoon.
You remember, the one with poetry and conflict.
HAMLET
What's this show called?
HORATIO
"Simple Simon," by Mother Goose.
ROSENCRANTZ
Say, I think I know that one.
FIRST PLAYER
Watch this!
The First Player and the Third Player run off opposite sides of the stage. The Second Player steps to center stage and clears his throat.
SECOND PLAYER
This afternoon, we bring you a classic tale of hunger
and greed, that famous poem known the world over....
"Simple Simon."
There is a long pause.
HAMLET
Well?
SECOND PLAYER
I forgot how it starts.
The First Player runs on. He wears a chef's hat and apron. He slaps the Second Player on the forehead.
FIRST PLAYER
"Simple Simon met a pie-man..."
The First Player runs back off-stage.
SECOND PLAYER
Oh yes! (Ahem.)
Simple Simon
Met a pie-man
Going to the faire!
The First Player, dressed as a pie-man, and carrying a big cream pie, enters from one side of the stage. The Third Player, singing stupidly, enters from the other side.
THIRD PLAYER
La-la-lee-la-la!
SECOND PLAYER
Said Simple Simon,
To the pie-man,
THIRD PLAYER
Let me taste your ware!
SECOND PLAYER
Said the pie-man,
To Simple Simon,
FIRST PLAYER
Show me first your penny!
SECOND PLAYER
Said Simple Simon,
To the pie-man,
THIRD PLAYER
In truth, I haven't any!
FIRST PLAYER
Oh, a deadbeat!
The First Player hits the Third Player in the face with the pie.
THIRD PLAYER
Oh! Vanilla custard! My favorite!
The Third Player laughs. The First Player slaps the Third Player on top of his head, and the Third Player squeals. All three Players bow, banging their heads together. Horatio, Polonius, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern all applaud enthusiastically. Horatio turns to Hamlet.
HORATIO
Pretty good stuff, eh?
HAMLET
Boys, I think you've captured the essence of human
existence, and now that you've captured it, I hope
you'll never let it out again. No, on second thought,
I want you to perform for Claudius tomorrow night.
He deserves to see this. Polonius, show these men
to their rooms.
Polonius leads out the Second and Third Players. Hamlet grabs the First Player by the arm to speak with him privately.
HAMLET
Wait a second, I want to talk to you. Can you play
"The Murder of Gonzago"?
FIRST PLAYER
Sorry, I never heard of it.
HAMLET
All right, can you play "The Queen of Hearts"? It's by
the same author as "Simple Simon." You remember,
"The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts..."
FIRST PLAYER
Yes, my lord, we know that one.
HAMLET
I figured you would. We'll have it tomorrow night.
But I've got a few special changes I want you to
put in. I'll come by and give them to you later.
Now go to your room!
The First Player exits.
ROSENCRANTZ
That certainly was a fine performance, wasn't it?
GUILDENSTERN
I'll say!
ROSENCRANTZ
Didn't you think the roles were particularly well cast?
GUILDENSTERN
I thought the pie was well cast. Were there rolls in it
too? I didn't see the rolls.
HAMLET
Go to your rooms!!!
ROSENCRANTZ
Good-bye, my lord.
GUILDENSTERN
So long!
Exeunt Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, bowing to Hamlet.
HAMLET
Oh, what a rogue and peasant slave am I! Is it
not monstrous that these players here can slap
each other around like that, and I can't even lay a
finger on Claudius? They hit each other, hurt each
other, and all I can come up with is clever banter!
I'm nothing but a coward, a Noel Coward! Well,
maybe not such an ol' coward, more of a young
coward. And after all, I have no real proof that
Claudius killed my father. All I've got is the word
of a ghost who can't even talk! I know what I'll
do. I'll have these players perform something like
the murder of my father. If Claudius looks guilty,
I'll know he did it! The play's the thing, wherein
I'll catch the conscience of the King!
Exit Hamlet.
*********************************************************
ACT III
Scene I
Scene I takes place in a room in the castle. This is the same room as in Act II, Scene II. Enter the King, Queen, Polonius, Ophelia, Rosencrantz, and Guildenstern.
KING
And can you, by no drift of circumstance, get
from him why he puts on this confusion, grating so
harshly all his days of quiet with turbulent and
dangerous lunacy?
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern consult with each other in whispers.
GUILDENSTERN
Would you mind rephrasing the question?
KING
Have you found out yet why Hamlet's gone
screwy?
ROSENCRANTZ
We're making progress, your majesty, but he
hasn't told us the whole story yet.
QUEEN
Well, what has he told you?
GUILDENSTERN
He's oppressed because man is a piece of work,
who fills out forms with infinite reasons... and
moves like an admiral on an express, and... and
is apprehensive of god,.... and his two best friends
are a couple of morons!
ROSENCRANTZ
But we do have some good news, your majesties!
Some traveling players have arrived at the castle,
and your son is going to have them put on a play!
KING
Hmmmm, maybe this play will take his mind off of
whatever it is that is troubling him so much. The
next time you see Hamlet, do your best to keep
him in a good mood!
Exit Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
KING
Now Gertrude, I would like you to leave us alone
for awhile, while I try to discover what is the matter
with your son. I have sent for him, and Polonius
and I will hide and watch while he meets Ophelia.
We should be able to tell from his reactions if it is
really love that is causing him to act so strangely.
QUEEN
Very well. Ophelia, I hope you can do something
about all this. I do not understand what has gotten
into that boy!
Exit Queen.
POLONIUS
Ophelia, you stand here and wait for Hamlet. The
King and I shall hide behind this arras.
The King and Polonius exit behind the arras. Enter Hamlet.
HAMLET
To be, or not to be; that is the question.
Hamlet starts speaking directly to the audience.
HAMLET
If you can answer the question, you win fifty dollars,
which you'll have to split among the lot of you. To
be, or not to be? Does anyone have the answer?
Hamlet points to a member of the audience.
HAMLET
You? I'm sorry, anything you have is obviously no
good. Including your date.
Hamlet suddenly turns somber.
HAMLET
Oh, why don't I just kill myself now, and let you
folks go home early? Better yet, why don't you
folks kill yourselves now, and let me go home early?
You can take my word for it, you've seen the best
part of the show. It's all downhill from here. So
what do you say to a little mass suicide? Just think
of it, I wouldn't even have to take a curtain call,
and you folks could make theater history. Well,
come on! What are you waiting for? You're not
afraid of a little death, are you? Are you? But then,
maybe you should be afraid. Who knows what
would happen to you if you did kill yourselves?
In your next life, you might have to watch this play
rewritten for Abbott and Costello!
Ophelia, tired of waiting for Hamlet to notice her, calls to him.
OPHELIA
Hamlet!
HAMLET
What's this? The fair Ophelia!
Suddenly Horatio rushes on stage, grabs Hamlet, and pulls him over to one side of the stage, away from Ophelia. Horatio speaks privately to Hamlet.
HORATIO
Hey, Hamlet, I just remembered. You gotta watch
out for Ophelia. She wants to marry you so she
can be Queen!
HAMLET
Oh yeah? We'll just see about that!
Exit Horatio.
OPHELIA
Good day, my lord.
HAMLET
Says you!
OPHELIA
It's been many days since I've seen your honor.
HAMLET
Let's keep my honor out of this. You'd like to see
my honor, wouldn't you? Well, that's too bad,
because it's private, see? My honor's not for sale.
Not at reasonable prices, anyway. But for an
unreasonable price, maybe we could make a deal.
How much honor did you have in mind?
OPHELIA
My lord, I have some love letters to return to you.
HAMLET
I'm sorry, you'll have to come up with cash on the
line, or it's no deal. Letters!!!
OPHELIA
You told me you loved me once, and I did believe
you.
HAMLET
What? You expect me to believe that you believed me?
Isn't that just like a woman! Well, I don't believe you
believed me, so there! Now, do you believe I don't
believe that you believed me? That's a better question
than "to be or not to be?".
OPHELIA
You deceived me, my lord. You took advantage of my
poor innocence.
HAMLET
You've got the poorest innocence I've ever seen!
Ophelia starts acting girlish, trying to charm Hamlet.
OPHELIA
But... don't you ever want to be a daddy?
HAMLET
Why? You want to get adopted?
OPHELIA
Not me, Hammy! I mean, don't you want to have
your own children!
HAMLET
Listen, Ophy, I've got enough problems with the
relatives I've already got.
OPHELIA
But don't you think I'd make a good mother?
HAMLET
I think you'd make a mother superior, so why don't
you get thee to a nunnery?
OPHELIA
But...
HAMLET
Go!
Ophelia speaks loudly so that the King and Polonius can hear her.
OPHELIA
Oh, what a noble mind is here o'erthrown!
She turns to Hamlet and hisses a threat at him.
OPHELIA
I'll get you for this!
Hamlet shrugs and exits. Enter the King and Polonius.
KING
That did not sound like love to me! I don't trust
that fellow one bit. I'd feel safer if he were far
from Denmark,... say in England.
POLONIUS
I still think he has gone mad from love for my
daughter. After the play tomorrow night, why
don't we have his mother speak to him privately,
and I will hide and listen to what they say. Then,
if you still think he is dangerous, you can send him
to England, or confine him where you think best.
KING
It shall be so. Madness in great ones must not
unwatched go.
Exeunt.
*********************************************************
Scene II
Scene II takes place in a hall in the castle. Enter Hamlet and the Players.
HAMLET
Speak the speech, I pray you, as I pronounced it to
you!
FIRST PLAYER
Don't worry, your princeship, we'll do everything
just like you said.
HAMLET
And no melodramatic gestures! Don't saw the air
with your hands.
THIRD PLAYER
Relax! I never saw the air with my hands! I saw the
air with my eyes!
The Third Player laughs, the First Player slaps him on the forehead, and the Third Player squeals.
FIRST PLAYER
That's not what he means! He means don't do this!
The First Player saws the air upward with his hand, as the other Players watch him, and then he suddenly jerks his hand down, giving the other Players whiplash.
HAMLET
What I mean is, don't overact. Be natural! Try to
behave like normal human beings.
SECOND PLAYER
I thought you wanted us to be natural.
The First Player pounds the Second Player on the head.
HAMLET
Go! Make ready for the play.
Exeunt the Players. Enter Polonius, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
HAMLET
The play's about to start. Go get the King and
Queen.
ROSENCRANTZ
We will, my lord.
Exeunt Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. Enter Horatio. Hamlet goes to Horatio and speaks to him privately.
HAMLET
Horatio! Watch my uncle during the play. Let
me know if he does anything funny.
HORATIO
Don't worry. No one does anything funny in any
play while I'm around!
HAMLET
Well, that explains a lot.
Enter the King, Queen, Polonius, Ophelia, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
HAMLET
All right, everyone sit down. The play's about
to start.
Everyone except Hamlet sits on the floor.
QUEEN
Come hither, my dear Hamlet. Sit by me.
HAMLET
No thanks, Mom. I want to annoy Ophelia.
Hamlet goes over to Ophelia, who treats him very coldly.
HAMLET
Lady, shall I lie in your lap?
OPHELIA
No, my lord.
HAMLET
I mean, my head in your lap.
He lies down with his head in her lap. She remains cold to him.
OPHELIA
Aye, my lord.
HAMLET
Did you think I meant country matters?
OPHELIA
I think nothing, my lord.
HAMLET
That's a fair thought to lie between maids' legs.
OPHELIA
What is, my lord?
HAMLET
Nothing.
Hamlet waggishly raises and lowers his eyebrows. Then he turns to the audience.
HAMLET
Shakespeare wrote that one.
The Second Player steps out and waits for everyone to quiet down.
HAMLET
Quiet everyone! The play's starting.
The Second Player declaims the prologue to the play.
SECOND PLAYER
The Queen of Hearts
She made some tarts,
All on a summer's day;
The Knave of Hearts
He stole the tarts,
And took them clean away.
The King of Hearts
Called for the tarts,
And beat the Knave full sore;
The Knave of Hearts
Brought back the tarts,
And vowed he'd steal no more.
The Second Player bows to applause and exits.
HAMLET
That was just the prologue. Now the real play
begins!
The First Player enters. He is dressed as the King of Hearts. He speaks bombastically.
FIRST PLAYER
I am the noble King of Hearts!
I want my Queen to bake some tarts.
The finest pastries in the land
Are made by her own dainty hands.
Where is the Queen! I want her here!
The Third Player, affecting a high, shrill voice answers from off stage.
THIRD PLAYER
(off stage)
Hold your horses! I'm coming, dear!
FIRST PLAYER
My own dear wife! I know that I
Will always love her till I die!
The Third Player enters in drag, dressed as the Queen of Hearts. The First Player is horrified by her frightful appearance.
THIRD PLAYER
Sorry I'm late. I'd lost my wig.
How do I look?
FIRST PLAYER
Just like a ... fig-
Ure of beauty, your teeth like pearls!
THIRD PLAYER
Aw, you say that to all the girls.
The Third Player gives the First Player a playful shove, nearly knocking him over.
FIRST PLAYER
Say you'll be forever true!
THIRD PLAYER
Certainly, Kingsie! Who else do you
Think I'd go for?
FIRST PLAYER
For a start,
My brother, the evil Knave of Hearts!
If I catch you two together,
Ever again, I don't care whether
He has a knife, an ax or spear,
I'll kill him first, then you, my dear!
THIRD PLAYER
Take it easy! Please, calm down!
I'm not the type who'd play around!
FIRST PLAYER
Ever since that time I caught
Him with your tarts I've been distraught!
THIRD PLAYER
You can trust me. Wait and see!
I'll behave so faithfully,
I'll bake my tarts for only you!
Cross my heart! It's true! It's true!
Hamlet turns to his mother, as the First Player and Third Player exit, arm in arm, from the stage.
HAMLET
What do you think, Mom?
QUEEN
The lady doth protest too much, methinks.
Enter the Second Player, dressed as the Knave of Hearts.
SECOND PLAYER
I'm the wicked Knave of Hearts!
I'd love to grab the fair Queen's tarts,
Filled with apples, pears, or plums!
Why speak of the devil, here she comes!
Enter the Third Player, singing and carrying a table. On the table are a number of small cream pies, and at least one large cream pie.
THIRD PLAYER
La la lee la la.
Suddenly the Third Player spots the Second Player, and puts down the table.
THIRD PLAYER
Hey! You! What are you doing here?
SECOND PLAYER
I came to taste your tarts, my dear!
THIRD PLAYER
Have you got rocks inside your head?
If the King finds us here, we're dead!
SECOND PLAYER
You think I'm frightened of that bum?
That stupid fool! That twerp! That crumb!
Hey! I'll tell you what I'll do,
I'll kill the King and marry you!
As the Second Player continues telling his plans, the real King, seated in the audience, becomes visibly upset.
SECOND PLAYER
I'll wait until he's fast asleep
Out in his orchard. There I'll creep.
I'll bring a jar of poison, dear,
And I will pour it in his ear!
The King stands, horrified. At this point, the First Player enters, unnoticed by the Second Player or the Third Player.
SECOND PLAYER
As soon as that poor slob is dead,
I'll arrange that we'll be wed!
And you will bake the pies I crave,
While he is rotting in his grave.
The Second Player picks up a small cream pie.
KING
Stop the play!
The Players are so intent on their play that they ignore the King. Suddenly, the Third Player (still in his role as the Queen of Hearts) spots the First Player.
THIRD PLAYER
I think it's high time that I went!
The Third Player starts to walk off stage. The First Player grabs the Second Player and spins him around. The Second Player accidentally hits the First Player in the face with the pie.
SECOND PLAYER
I didn't mean it! It was an accident!
FIRST PLAYER
Why, you...
KING
Stop the play!
The First Player picks up a pie, and throws it at the Second Player. The Second Player ducks, and the pie hits the Third Player. The King walks over to the Players to stop the play.
KING
Stop the play!
The Third Player picks up a large cream pie and starts to smash it into the face of the First Player.
KING
Give me some light!!!
The First Player ducks and the Third Player hits the real King in the face with the pie. The real King rushes off stage. The Queen, Polonius, Ophelia, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern follow the King.
FIRST PLAYER
I think we'd better beat it, boys.
The Players exit. Only Hamlet and Horatio are left on stage.
HAMLET
Did you see that? Did you? Did you see what the
King did?
HORATIO
Yeah, he got the pie I wanted.
HAMLET
And he stopped the play before the best part!
Right before the big musical number!
Re-enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. They walk hesitantly up to Hamlet.
GUILDENSTERN
We have a message for you from your mother.
HAMLET
Yes?
ROSENCRANTZ
She wants to speak to you in her room before
you go to bed.
HAMLET
All right.
He looks at Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, who obviously have something else on their minds, but who are reluctant to speak up.
HAMLET
Do you boys have anything else on your minds?
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern remain silent.
HAMLET
Do you have anything on your minds? Do you
have minds?
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern look at each other, and then Guildenstern summons up the courage to speak to Hamlet.
GUILDENSTERN
We still don't know why you're screwy.
At this point the Players walk in playing recorders. They do not play very well.
FIRST PLAYER
Since the King didn't seem to like our play, we
thought he might enjoy some music. Where
is the King?
HAMLET
Let me see that.
Hamlet snatches one of the recorders. He looks at it, then hands it to Guildenstern.
HAMLET
Here. Play upon this pipe.
GUILDENSTERN
My lord, I cannot.
HAMLET
I pray you.
GUILDENSTERN
Believe me, I cannot.
HAMLET
Please. I beseech you.
Suddenly Hamlet's voice turns threatening.
HAMLET
Play it!!!
Guildenstern is near tears.
GUILDENSTERN
I don't know how to play the pipe.
HAMLET
You don't, eh? Then you must think I'm simpler
than this pipe! You think you can get all my
secrets out of me just by asking, but you can't get
anything out of this pipe! You're willing to play on
me, aren't you? You think it's easier to play on me
than this pipe! You thought you could play me, so
surely you can play a simple pipe! Go ahead!
Play it!!!
GUILDENSTERN
(weeping)
But I don't ... I . . .
HAMLET
Play it!
Guildenstern tearfully tries to play the pipe. To his surprise, beautiful music comes out. Guildenstern takes the pipe away from his lips to examine it. He can't figure out how he managed to play it. He gives up trying to figure it out, shrugs his shoulders, and happily begins to play again. Guildenstern continues to play very complicated, rich, classical music. He plays like an expert, even though he doesn't know how. Guildenstern stops playing and smiles happily at Hamlet.
HAMLET
Excuse me, I think I hear my mother calling.
Exit Hamlet. Exeunt all.
*********************************************************
Scene III
Scene III takes place in a room in the castle. Enter the King, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
KING
I like him not, nor stands it safe with us to let his
madness range. Therefore prepare you. I shall
execute a commission for you to take him with
you to England. Go! Get ready!
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern bow and exit. Enter Polonius.
POLONIUS
My lord, he's going to his mother's room. I'll
get there first and hide behind the arras and
listen to what they say. I'll tell you everything.
KING
Thank you, my good friend.
Exit Polonius.
KING
Oh my offense is rank, it smells to heaven.
I have murdered my own brother. Prince
Hamlet knows what I have done; I'm sure
of it. He puts on a mask of madness, while
he plots against me, and I deserve to be
plotted against. I've killed my brother! I
should pray for forgiveness, but how can I?
I still have my crown and my queen, and I
will not give them up. I will not show
repentance. Alas, there can be no
forgiveness without repentance, can there?
The King kneels, sorrowfully, as if in prayer. Enter Hamlet. He is startled to see the King. Hamlet muses to himself. The King is unaware of Hamlet's presence.
HAMLET
What's this? The King! I could kill him now,
while he's alone. It would be easy. I could
run him through while he's praying and send
him straight to heaven, which is better than
he deserves ... much better. He's praying,
which means if I killed him now, he'd go
straight to heaven, ... and I'd be left down
here in Denmark. He'd like that, I'll bet!
I can just see him up there, laughing at me!
Why shouldn't he laugh? He gets heavenly
bliss, and I'm stuck here with Rosencrantz
and Guildenstern! He'd think that was pretty
funny, the lout! Well, I'll show him.
Hamlet strides over to the King.
HAMLET
I wouldn't kill you now if you begged me! So
there!
Exit Hamlet. The King is bewildered.
KING
Maybe he really is crazy after all.
Exit the King.
*********************************************************
Scene IV
Scene IV takes place in the Queen's bedroom. Enter the Queen and Polonius.
POLONIUS
He will come straight. Pray you, be round with him.
HAMLET
(off stage)
Mother! Mother!
QUEEN
Withdraw! I hear him coming.
Polonius hides behind the arras. The Queen sits in a chair. Enter Hamlet.
HAMLET
Now, Mother, what's the matter?
QUEEN
Hamlet, thou hast thy father much offended.
HAMLET
Mother, thou hast my father much offended.
QUEEN
Come, come, you answer with an idle tongue
HAMLET
Go, go, you question with a wicked tongue.
And thou hast my father much offended!
QUEEN
Have you forgotten who I am?
HAMLET
No! You are the Queen, your husband's
brother's wife; and -- would it were not so --
you are my mother! And thou hast my father
much offended! Let's see you top that!
QUEEN
I don't understand a word you're saying.
HAMLET
No, you wouldn't, would you? All you did was
marry your own brother-in-law, my uncle.
That's all you did, relatively speaking. Did you
ever stop to think where we'd be if everyone
married my uncle? Why, we'd be up to our ears
in aunts, for one thing, and that's no picnic.
QUEEN
I give up! I can't talk to you.
The Queen starts to stand. Hamlet pushes her back down into her chair.
HAMLET
Oh no, you're going to take a good hard look at
yourself and face the ugly truth.
The Queen panics.
QUEEN
What are you going to do? You won't murder me?
Help! Help me!
POLONIUS
(behind the arras)
What? Help! Help!
HAMLET
How now! A rat!
Hamlet stabs Polonius through the arras.
POLONIUS
(behind the arras)
Oh, I am slain!
Polonius falls and dies, still behind the arras.
HAMLET
Is that the King?
Hamlet pulls aside the arras and discovers Polonius.
HAMLET
Oops. Well, I guess the joke's on me. I just
killed the wrong man! I'll tell you what, Mom,
you keep quiet about this to Claudius, and I won't
tell him about the strange man hiding in your
bedroom.
QUEEN
Oh what a rash and bloody deed is this!
HAMLET
Oh, so now you're going to blame all this on me!
Some mother you are! If you hadn't married my
uncle, none of this would have happened, and we
could all be performing "The Merry Wives of
Windsor" somewhere. Why couldn't you have
stayed married to my father? My father! Now
there's an ideal husband!
QUEEN
But your father is dead.
HAMLET
That's what I mean. He's quiet, undemanding, and
you don't have to cook for him. But you preferred
to marry a pig like Claudius and make him the new
Danish King. Claudius! He's the cheesiest Danish
I've ever seen. Aren't you ashamed?
QUEEN
Stop! I refuse to listen to another word!
Enter the Ghost.
HAMLET
Now here's a King who knows how to rule!
The Ghost takes out a yardstick and starts measuring things.
HAMLET
Hey, this is "Hamlet," not "Measure For Measure!"
QUEEN
Hamlet, what are you talking about?
HAMLET
I'm talking to him! Don't you see him?
QUEEN
Who?
HAMLET
She can't see you!
The Ghost delights in the fact that the Queen can't see him. He goes over to her and makes a horrible face right in front of her. He's having a great time.
HAMLET
Yeah, you might as well enjoy yourself.
QUEEN
I'm not enjoying this one bit!
The Ghost mimes an imitation of the Queen.
HAMLET
What a couple you two make!
QUEEN
What couple? There's only one of me.
HAMLET
Yeah, but you're shaped like a pear.
The Ghost suddenly notices the corpse of Polonius. The Ghost is shocked. He turns to Hamlet for an explanation.
HAMLET
Yeah, I know. Say, it's too bad he didn't put the
poison in your ear. Then everything would be
fine. Are you sure Polonius didn't kill you? You're
positive?
The Ghost nods his head "yes."
HAMLET
That's too bad. I guess we owe him one. Maybe I
could get Ophelia to pour some poison in Horatio's
ear. That would even things up.
The Ghost shakes his head "no," and mimes violence to Claudius.
HAMLET
Yeah, I guess I've still got to avenge your death.
But after this you owe me a favor. Fair is fair.
The Ghost nods "yes" and exits.
QUEEN
Hamlet, what are you talking about?
HAMLET
It's very simple, Mom. All I want is for you to
behave yourself. Be a decent woman, the kind
of mother a guy can be proud to take home to his
girlfriend. That's all I'm asking. And stay away from
Claudius!
QUEEN
But Claudius and I are married.
HAMLET
Exactly! He's a married man! Do you know how
that looks? Do you? You and Claudius? Do you
have any idea how that looks?
QUEEN
No, I do not!
HAMLET
Well, do you remember the two baboons we saw
at the circus last year? Look, Mom, I know you
don't mean to be bad. It's not your fault; you're just
naturally rotten.
Enter Horatio.
HORATIO
Hey, Hamlet, the King say you gotta pack. He's
sending you to England with Rosencrantz and
Guildenstern.
HAMLET
Tell him I'd rather go to the French Riviera with
Ophelia.
HORATIO
No, he says you've got to go to England.
HAMLET
Well, why not? I might as well get out of Denmark
until this business with Polonius blows over.
Horatio notices the corpse of Polonius for the first time.
HORATIO
Hey, he doesn't look so good.
HAMLET
Don't worry about him. It's just a slight case of
death, that's all. There's a lot of it going around
these days.
HORATIO
I hope it isn't catching.
HAMLET
Come on, help me drag this body out of here.
Hamlet and Horatio begin to drag out the body of Polonius.
HAMLET
Indeed this counselor is now most still, most secret,
and most grave, who was in life a foolish prating knave.
Come, sir, to draw toward an end with you. Good
night, mother.
Exeunt Hamlet and Horatio, dragging Polonius. Exit the Queen.
*********************************************************
ACT IV
Scene I
Scene I takes place in a room in the castle. Enter the King and Queen. The Queen is obviously very upset.
KING
There's matter in these sighs. You must translate;
'tis fit we understand them.
QUEEN
My good lord, Hamlet in his madness has slain
Polonius.
KING
He would have killed me, had I been there.
Where has he gone?
QUEEN
To hide the body.
KING
Rosencrantz! Guildenstern!
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern enter.
KING
Hamlet's killed Polonius. Find him, and bring the
body to the chapel.
ROSENCRANTZ
But your majesty, don't you think it would be better
if some armed guards or ...
KING
Find him and be quick about it!
ROSENCRANTZ
Yes, your majesty.
Rosencrantz turns to Guildenstern as they start to leave.
ROSENCRANTZ
This is all your fault! If you hadn't played upon the
pipe ...
GUILDENSTERN
(weeping)
But I didn't want to play the pipe!
Exeunt Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, nervously stumbling and bumping into each other.
KING
Gertrude, we must discuss this matter further.
Oh, come away. My soul is filled with discord
and dismay.
Exeunt.
*********************************************************
Scene II
Scene II takes place in a passage in the castle. Enter Hamlet, who has just hidden the body of Polonius.
HAMLET
Safely stowed!
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern call from off stage.
ROSENCRANTZ
(off stage)
Hamlet!
GUILDENSTERN
(off stage)
Lord Hamlet!
HAMLET
Who calls on Hamlet? Oh, here they come.
Enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, hesitantly. They are afraid of Hamlet. Rosencrantz speaks to Guildenstern.
ROSENCRANTZ
Now whatever you do, don't upset him! You know
how irritable he's been lately.
HAMLET
Well? What do you two want?
GUILDENSTERN
Rosencrantz wants to ask you a question.
ROSENCRANTZ
Pardon us, your lordship, but we happened to
overhear a certain rumor that a slight accident
might have befallen Polonius, and we thought
perhaps we might offer you our humble assistance
to help you dispose of the ... earthly remains. If
you have no objections, of course.
HAMLET
Sorry, boys, the body stays hidden.
GUILDENSTERN
Why don't you tell us where you hid it, so we can
make sure we don't look for it there?
HAMLET
Bring me to the King.
Exeunt.
********************************************************
Scene III
Scene III takes place in a room in the castle. Enter the King with ATTENDANTS.
KING
I have sent to seek him and to find the body.
How dangerous is it that this man goes loose!
Enter Rosencrantz.
KING
Well? Did you find the body?
ROSENCRANTZ
No, your majesty. He wouldn't tell us where it is.
KING
Then where is Hamlet?
ROSENCRANTZ
Guildenstern! Bring in Hamlet.
Enter Guildenstern and Hamlet.
KING
Now, Hamlet, where's Polonius?
HAMLET
At supper.
KING
Supper? Where?
HAMLET
Not where he eats, but where he is eaten. By
maggots. Do you e\realize that we fatten chickens
and cows to fatten ourselves, and we fatten
ourselves to fatten maggots. But who do the
maggots fatten? It's time the maggots learned that
there's no free lunch. So here's your bill for
Polonius. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were a
maggot.
KING
Hamlet!!! Where is Polonius?
HAMLET
In heaven. You can send a messenger to find him.
If he's not there, seek him in the other place
yourself. If you don't find him in a month, you
should be able to nose him out as you go up the
stairs into the lobby.
KING
(to the Attendants)
Go seek him there.
HAMLET
He will stay till you come.
Exeunt the Attendants.
KING
Hamlet, I've arranged for you to go to England.
I want you to leave at once!
HAMLET
Anything you say. To England! Farewell,
Mother.
KING
I'm your uncle, Hamlet, and your step-father.
HAMLET
Well, why not take another step and be a mother.
After all, father and mother are man and wife;
man and wife are one flesh. You are one flesh aren't
you? You look more like a flush. A royal flush, if
you prefer.
Hamlet turns to Rosencrantz and Guildenstern and gestures for them to follow him.
HAMLET
Come, for England!
Exit Hamlet.
KING
Follow him! And do not forget the commission I
gave you! Deliver it to the English King!
ROSENCRANTZ
Don't worry, your majesty. We'll take care of
everything. Come, Guildenstern.
Exeunt Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
KING
My commission orders the present death of Hamlet.
The King of England owes me a favor. Do it,
England! Until I know my step son is dead, I cannot
rest easy.
Exit the King.
*********************************************************
Scene IV
Scene IV takes place on a plain in Denmark. Enter a CAPTAIN and several SOLDIERS from Fortinbras's army. Enter Hamlet, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
HAMLET
Good sir, whose powers are these?
CAPTAIN
They are of Norway, sir, led by young Fortinbras.
We await permission from the Danish King for
our army to pass through his lands on the way to
Poland.
HAMLET
What's in Poland?
CAPTAIN
The King of Norway would not permit young
Fortinbras to attack Denmark, so we are
attacking Poland instead.
HAMLET
What for?
CAPTAIN
Young Fortinbras hopes to gain a little patch of
ground, that has no worth for farming or any
other value, save as an excuse for the shedding of
blood.
HAMLET
I see.
CAPTAIN
God be with you, sir.
Exeunt the Captain and soldiers.
ROSENCRANTZ
Will you come, my lord? We have almost
reached the harbor from whence we sail to
England.
HAMLET
I'll be with you in a minute. I feel another
soliloquy coming on.
Exeunt Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
HAMLET
Twenty thousand men march to their graves for a
worthless plot of land. Why can't I do anything
that violent, or that funny? Everyone thinks young
Fortinbras is a great prince because he's going
to kill all those people, and all I've killed is old
Polonius. Some leader I am! Of course,
Young Fortinbras has an advantage -- he's got
an entire army to sacrifice for a useless cause.
Whose lives have I got to throw away?
Re-enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
ROSENCRANTZ
The boat awaits you, my lord.
HAMLET
Tell me, boys, how would you two like to serve
your country?
Exeunt.
*********************************************************
Scene V
Scene V takes place in a room in the castle at Elsinore. Enter the King, the Queen and Horatio.
QUEEN
I will not see her.
HORATIO
I don't blame you. She's crazy. All she does is sing
crazy songs all the time, and she's always telling
everyone about her father's death, and how it's all
your fault.
KING
What? You mean she is sewing discord among
the people?
HORATIO
What cord?
KING
Discord!
HORATIO
What cord?
KING
Discord!
HORATIO
You keep saying, "dis cord," but I don't see any
cord.
KING
I said she sews discord.
HORATIO
No, she doesn't sew any cords, but she plays
some chords when she sings her crazy songs.
She keeps acting crazy all the time. I've never
seen anyone act so crazy.
QUEEN
Let her come in. We had better find out if she is
stirring up trouble among the rabble.
Horatio exits, and comes back with Ophelia, who seems to be doing an imitation of Hamlet, loping across the stage with a cigar in her mouth. She carries a lute, or a banjo, or some other stringed instrument.
OPHELIA
Where's the beauteous Queen of Denmark? There,
if that doesn't convince you I'm crazy, nothing
will!
QUEEN
Ophelia!
OPHELIA
Oh, feel - yaself! What kind of a name is Ophelia,
anyway?? Is it any wonder the boys all think I'm
easy? Oh well, easy come, easy go.
She starts to strum on the musical instrument she carries.
OPHELIA
My first number is, "He Is Dead And Gone."
She sings:
OPHELIA
He is dead and gone, lady,
He is dead and gone.
We did not want him dead and here,
So he is dead and gone.
KING
She is distracted by her father's death.
OPHELIA
Let's not talk about that! My second number is
called "Saint Valentine's Day."
She sings:
OPHELIA
Tomorrow is Saint Valentine's Day,
And as the sun did shine,
I came, a maid, at your window,
To be your valentine.
Then up he rose, and donned his clothes,
And opened wide the door,
Let in the maid, and made the maid,
So she was a maiden no more.
By gosh, and by Saint Charity,
Alack, and cry for shame!
Young men will do it, if they can do it.
By cock, they are to blame!
Quoth she, "Before you tumbled me,
You promised me to wed."
He answers:
"So would I have done, by yonder sun,
If thou hadst not come to my bed."
QUEEN
Oh, poor Ophelia.
OPHELIA
I'm not finished yet!
Ophelia continues her song:
OPHELIA
Quoth she, "That is hypocrisy,
For you begged me into your bed!
So marry me quick, or I'll cut off thy wick-
Ed tongue!" And so they were wed!
HORATIO
Say, does she remind you of the man who
comes to fix the sink?
KING
How long has she been like this?
OPHELIA
Tell me, do you think it's all right for a girl to
marry a guy who's killed her father, or is
that considered a breach of social etiquette?
The guy who did it is a real son of a breach.
I don't think my brother is going to like this.
Maybe you should do something to make
it up to him, like name him as your heir.
Heir today, and gone tomorrow!
Exit Ophelia. The King orders Horatio to follow her.
KING
Guard her closely! Keep a careful watch, I
pray you. Her grief has driven her mad.
HORATIO
Don't worry. I'll guard her.
Exit Horatio.
KING
This is all Hamlet's fault! First he went mad
and spurned her love; then he killed her
father; and now we have had to bury Polonius
quietly and without ceremony. Worst of all,
I have heard that Laertes has secretly returned
from France, and the people have fed him
vicious rumors about his father's death!
Loud noises come from off stage.
QUEEN
What is this noise?
Enter a MESSENGER.
KING
What's the matter?
MESSENGER
Laertes has returned. The people have welcomed
him and they cry that they choose him for their
king! I fear they will break down the doors!
A crash of doors being broken open is heard off stage. Enter Laertes.
LAERTES
What has happened to my father?
QUEEN
Calm down, good Laertes!
LAERTES
First tell me what has happened to my father!
If he was murdered, I must be revenged!
That is my duty as his son!
KING
Believe me, Laertes, I am guiltless of thy father's
death, And I grieve for him. When I tell you the
whole story, you will see that you have no cause
to blame me.
Enter Ophelia, still doing a mad impersonation of Hamlet. This time, in addition to her musical instrument, she carries several large bunches of flowers.
LAERTES
Ophelia!!! Have you gone mad?
Ophelia sings.
OPHELIA
And will he not come again?
And will he not come again?
They laid him deep in his grave,
'Cause his flesh was decayed,
So he'd better not come again!
She hits the King and Queen in their faces with flowers.
OPHELIA
Here, have some flowers! You too!
Well, aren't you going to put them in water?
Do you want them to rot, like my father?
Go put them in water!
The King and Queen exit with their flowers. Ophelia drops her feigned madness, and speaks quickly to her startled brother.
OPHELIA
Hush! I'm only feigning madness, and while I
pretend, I stir up the angry populace, and
prepare your path to the throne of Denmark!
LAERTES
My path??? But, Hamlet. . .
OPHELIA
Hamlet doesn't stand a chance anymore! It
would surprise me if Claudius hasn't already
arranged for his death. My only chance for
power is to have you crowned King.
LAERTES
What are you going to do?
OPHELIA
I have arranged with my handmaidens to fake
my own death. I will appear to have drowned,
and the people will be so angered, and Claudius
will feel so guilty, he must name you as heir to the
throne. Once that is done, and they lay me in
the ground for burial, you must leap into my grave
and pray for me. I will revive as if it were by a
miracle.
LAERTES
It may work!
OPHELIA
It is bound to work, if you play your part. Just
make certain you claim my body as soon as you
hear that I have drowned, and don't let anyone
examine me too closely.
The King re-enters, and Ophelia immediately goes back into her act of madness.
OPHELIA
I thought I'd marry Hamlet and be a Queen
someday, but then my father died and he left
me a poor orphaned waif. I was hoping he'd
leave me some money. Oh well, where there's
a will, there's a waif. Time for me to waif good-
bye. Waif not, want not! Good night! Good
night! Good-bye.
Exit Ophelia.
KING
Laertes, you must come with me, and I will explain
to you everything about your father's death, and
when I am done you will understand it was no
fault of mine. I pray you, come with me.
Exeunt.
*********************************************************
Scene VI
Scene VI takes place in another room in the castle. Enter Horatio. A SAILOR follows him in.
HORATIO
What?
The SAILOR hands a letter to Horatio.
SAILOR
Good Horatio, I have a letter for you from
Prince Hamlet.
Horatio takes the letter, and studies it intently without saying a word. Then he hands it back to the sailor.
HORATIO
What's it say?
SAILOR
Can't you read? I thought you were a great
scholar at the university at Wittenberg.
HORATIO
Sure, at Wittenberg, but this is Denmark!
SAILOR
All right, the letter says, "Dear Horatio, It's great
to be in England. Unfortunately, I'm in Denmark.
Two days out at sea, we were savagely attacked
by a band of pirates, freebooters, and a dozen
Shakespearean scholars. The fighting was fierce,
and we were badly outnumbered, so I drew my
sword and joined the other side. Before I knew it,
the boats had split up again, and I was stuck
with the scholars. After making me promise never
to perform "King Lear," they let me off on the
shore of Denmark. Please have this sailor bring
you to me. I have much to tell you, including the
fates of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern and
King Lear. No, just kidding. Nothing about
King Lear. Your friend, Hamlet."
HORATIO
OK, take me to Hamlet.
Exeunt.
*********************************************************
Scene VII
Scene VII takes place in another room in the castle. Enter the King and Laertes.
KING
Now must your conscience my acquaintance
seal, and you must put me in your heart as
friend.
LAERTES
But why haven't you done anything to Hamlet?
KING
I have, Laertes, but craftily, so that I will not be
blamed for his death by the Queen, or by the
Danish people, who for some reason unknown
to me, like the Prince. But set your mind to
rest; even as we speak, Hamlet has surely
met his death, executed by the King of
England.
Enter a MESSENGER.
KING
How now? What news?
MESSENGER
A sailor has brought a letter to you from
Hamlet.
KING
What????
The King takes the letter from the Messenger and reads it.
KING
He's back in Denmark, I know not how!
LAERTES
Then is he to go unpunished, and someday
follow you to the throne?
KING
Laertes, how would you like to follow me?
Help me to be rid of Hamlet, and the succession
is thine.
LAERTES
Say on, good King.
KING
We must plan his death carefully. I know
that Hamlet is most jealous of your skill as a
swordsman. You shall have a sporting match
with him. We will arrange that Hamlet's sword
shall be blunted, as befits a friendly duel, but
your sword shall be unbated so that you may,
as if it were by accident, run him through.
LAERTES
I'll do it. And what is more, to make certain his
death, I'll anoint my sword with a deadly
poison, so that even if I do but scratch him, he
must die.
KING
And I'll prepare a chalice of poisoned wine for him
to drink, so that if he should escape your envenomed
blade, our purpose will hold.
LAERTES
And should that fail, I will arrange a chandelier to
fall upon him!
KING
And I will build a trap door above a pit of hungry
crocodiles so that... No, on second thought,
let's just stick with the envenomed sword and
the poisoned wine. That should be sufficient
to ensure his death. There's no point in overdoing
it.
They shake hands. Enter the Queen. She is very upset.
KING
How now, sweet Queen!
QUEEN
Your sister's drowned, Laertes!
LAERTES
Drowned!
QUEEN
There is a willow which grows beside a brook.
Ophelia went there to pick flowers. She was
holding onto a branch which broke, and sent
her tumbling into the brook. In her madness
she did not even try to save herself, but sang
snatches of old tunes as she sank beneath
the surface of the brook. When her handmaidens
pulled her out, they said she was dead.
Laertes pretends to be overcome with grief.
LAERTES
Drowned!
Abruptly, Laertes ends his act and says good-bye to the King.
LAERTES
Adieu, my lord.
Exit Laertes.
KING
Let's follow, Gertrude! How much I had to
do to calm his rage! Now fear I this will give it
start again; therefore let's follow.
Exeunt.
**********************************************************************************
Act V
Scene I
Scene I takes place in a cemetery in a churchyard in Elsinore. There is a deep grave which is almost completed. Enter a GRAVEDIGGER who starts to finish digging the grave. Enter Hamlet and Horatio.
HAMLET
I will speak to this fellow. Whose grave's this,
sirrah?
GRAVEDIGGER
Mine, sir.
HAMLET
I think it be thine indeed, for thou liest in it.
Hamlet turns and speaks to the audience.
HAMLET
Well, what do you want from a joke that's over
400 years old?
Actually, Shakespeare's Hamlet was probably written in 1601. So until the year 2002, Hamlet's line about should be "Well, what do you want from a joke that's almost 400 years old?" Then in 2002, the line should be "Well, what do you want from a joke that's over 400 years old."
GRAVEDIGGER
I don't lie. I have dug the grave, and so therefore
it is mine.
HAMLET
What man do you dig it for?
GRAVEDIGGER
For no man, sir.
HAMLET
What woman then?
GRAVEDIGGER
For none neither.
HAMLET
Then who is to be buried in it?
GRAVEDIGGER
One that was a woman, sir; but rest her soul,
she's dead.
HAMLET
I think you'd better dig some graves for these
jokes. How long have you been a gravedigger?
GRAVEDIGGER
I started this occupation the day our late King
Hamlet overcame old Fortinbras. That was the
day Prince Hamlet was born.
The Gravedigger continues digging the grave. He comes upon a skull, and tosses it out of the grave.
GRAVEDIGGER
This graveyard's getting crowded. This skull has
been in the earth a long time.
HAMLET
Whose was it?
GRAVEDIGGER
That was Yorick's skull, the King's jester.
Hamlet picks up the skull and looks at it sadly. He speaks somberly. In fact, this is the only time in the entire play when Hamlet is completely and genuinely serious.
HAMLET
Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio. A
funny little man with a derby hat and a bamboo
cane. He wore a jacket that was too small and
shoes that were too large. He used to walk a
splayfooted walk, all the while twirling his cane.
And he had a tiny little mustache which he used
to twitch back and forth when he was upset.
He was a funny little man. And the last time
I saw him, he was a pink-faced, white-haired
old man who kept patting my hand and saying,
"Keep warm. Keep warm." It doesn't seem
fair that the comedians should have to die,
just like everyone else.
Suddenly Hamlet is no longer serious.
HAMLET
Oh well.
He casually tosses the skull over his shoulder and kicks it away (just as Yorick would have done). Hamlet hears people approaching from off stage.
HAMLET
But soft! Here comes the King, the Queen, and
the courtiers. Let's hide and see what's going on.
Hamlet and Horatio hide behind some gravestones. Enter the King, Queen, Laertes and COURTIERS. They carry the body of Ophelia wrapped in a shroud. The body remains covered by the shroud throughout the entire scene, so we never actually see the body of Ophelia.
LAERTES
Lay my sister's body in the earth, and from her
fair and unpolluted flesh may violets spring!
The body of Ophelia is gently placed in the grave.
HAMLET
What? Is that Ophelia?
QUEEN
Farewell, Ophelia. I had hoped you would have
been my Hamlet's bride. I thought to have
decked your bridal bed with flowers, instead of
thy grave.
LAERTES
Speak not the hated name of Hamlet! His wicked
deed has caused her death!
The Gravedigger prepares to shovel dirt into the grave.
LAERTES
Wait! Hold off the earth awhile, till I have caught
her once more in my arms.
Laertes climbs down into the grave.
LAERTES
Oh heaven, I would give up my newly-granted
claim of succession to the throne, to be buried
with her now.
Hamlet springs up from his hiding place.
HAMLET
Hey! Get out of that grave! If anyone has a right
to give up the throne to be buried with her, it is I,
Hamlet the Dane!
Hamlet leaps into the grave. There is a horrible crunching sound as he lands, and perhaps a moan from Ophelia.
LAERTES
Get off my sister! You just jumped onto my sister!
Laertes pushes Hamlet off of the body of Ophelia.
LAERTES
Ophelia!
Laertes grabs the body. Hamlet tries to pull it away, banging the body against the sides of the grave. There are faint muffled cries coming from the shroud, but no one notices them.
HAMLET
Give her back!
Laertes and Hamlet have a vicious tug-of-war with the body. Suddenly, Hamlet lets go, and the body slams into the side of the grave with a sickening thud.
HAMLET
OK! OK, I can tell when I'm not welcome.
Hamlet climbs out of the grave and exits. Laertes peeks inside the shroud and shudders. He angrily turns to the gravedigger.
LAERTES
You might as well go ahead and bury her now!
She's dead.
Laertes exits sadly.
KING
Gertrude, we must set some watch over your
son!
Exeunt.
*********************************************************
Scene II
Scene II takes place in a hall in the castle. Enter Hamlet and Horatio.
HAMLET
So much for this. You do remember all the
circumstance?
HORATIO
Sure. Your father, he's a ghost, so you go crazy.
Then you put on a play, but your uncle doesn't like
it, so you kill Polonius. His daughter Ophelia
wants to marry you, but you go to England with
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, so she drowns
herself.
HAMLET
Is that what's been happening? I certainly am lucky
to have you around to explain these things to me.
Anyway, let me tell you what happened to me on
the voyage to England. The first night on the ship
I couldn't sleep, so I decided to get something to
read. What I decided to get was the commission
which Claudius had given to Rosencrantz and
Guildenstern. I snuck into their cabin and took
the commission. It wasn't very interesting until
I got to the part that said that for the good of
England and of Denmark, and for the peace
that stands between them, without delay, Prince
Hamlet's head should be cut off!!!
HORATIO
Was that the most interesting part?
HAMLET
I thought so. Didn't you think it was interesting?
Horatio is undecided.
HORATIO
Well ...
HAMLET
I know the writing was a little flat, so I decided to
make a few revisions. I rewrote the commission
so that it said that for the good of England and
of Denmark, and for the peace that stands between
them, without delay, Hamlet should be given lots
of money and beautiful naked women.
Hamlet smiles proudly at Horatio.
HAMLET
Don't you think that's better?
HORATIO
Why didn't you say Horatio should get the money
and women? Then you'd have something!
HAMLET
You mean you'd have something! I put the commission
back in Rosencrantz's and Guildenstern's cabin.
Unfortunately, the next day we were attacked by
pirates, and I never got to England. Oh, I almost
forgot, ... I did make one other small change in the
commission, it's hardly worth mentioning, really.
HORATIO
What was that?
HAMLET
I told the English King to have Rosencrantz and
Guildenstern put to death.
Horatio looks accusingly at Hamlet, who looks a little embarrassed.
HAMLET
Well, they deserved it, spying on me for Claudius!
Anyway, this kind of thing suits them. I can just
imagine their reaction when they find out what the
commission says. I can see them in my mind's
eye....
Enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern with the English EXECUTIONER.
ROSENCRANTZ
Well, Guildenstern, here's another fine mess you've
gotten me into.
Guildenstern starts weeping. He tries to speak through his tears.
GUILDENSTERN
But I didn't do anything! I....
The English Executioner leads them off stage.
HORATIO
Hey, who's that coming?
HAMLET
Oh, that's just Osric, the courtier.
Enter OSRIC, a young courtier.
OSRIC
Your lordship is welcome back to Denmark.
I bring word from the King. He proposes to
place a wager on a friendly, sporting duel
between yourself and young Laertes. The
King shall wager that in a dozen passes of the
sword, Laertes shall not exceed you by three
hits.
HORATIO
Hey, that's good! That sounds like fun.
HAMLET
You think so? All right, tell the King I'll do it, any
time he's ready.
OSRIC
I shall tell him, my lord.
Exit Osric. Horatio also exits, and Hamlet calls out after him.
HAMLET
Hey, where are you going?
HORATIO
To place a bet against you.
Exit Horatio.
HAMLET
It's nice to have the confidence of your friends.
There's something that bothers me about this
duel. My stepfather, who's already tried to kill
me once, has set up a fencing match with Laertes,
who also hates me. But Horatio seems to think
the match is a good idea, which means I must
be crazy to agree to it! But what will come will
come. The readiness is all. And I don't think
I'm ready yet!!!
Enter the King, Queen, Laertes, Osric and various other Courtiers and Attendants. A moment later Horatio enters, having placed his bet.
KING
Come, Hamlet, come and take this hand from
me.
The King gives Laertes' hand to Hamlet. They shake hands.
HAMLET
Laertes, I want you to know that I'm sorry I
killed your father and caused the death of your
sister, but I'll forgive and forget if you will.
LAERTES
(coldly)
I am satisfied.
HAMLET
Then let's play the match. Give us the foils.
KING
Give them the foils, young Osric.
Osric brings Hamlet and Laertes two identical, bated fencing foils. Laertes and Hamlet each take one.
LAERTES
This is too heavy for me. Let me see another.
Osric takes Laertes' foil, and goes off stage to get another one.
HAMLET
This one seems OK.
Osric re-enters with a huge unbated sword for Laertes. It is much larger than Hamlet's sword. Laertes takes the giant, deadly sword and takes a practice lunge.
LAERTES
Yes, that's better.
HAMLET
Say, are these weapons all of the same length?
OSRIC
Of course, my lord.
HAMLET
I just wanted to make sure mine wasn't longer.
I'd hate to have an unfair advantage.
KING
Very well. Let the match begin!
Hamlet and Laertes fence. Hamlet is fairly fast and agile, and his footwork is unique. He manages to avoid being hit by Laertes' sword.
HAMLET
You know, Laertes, you should play Horatio
sometime. He's an expert on fencing. He'll fence
anything he can get his hands on.
Hamlet manages to hit Laertes.
HAMLET
One!
LAERTES
No.
HAMLET
Judgment?
OSRIC
A hit, a very palpable hit.
The King offers Hamlet the poisoned chalice of wine.
KING
Congratulations, Hamlet. Here is a chalice
of wine for your refreshment.
HAMLET
Nice try, Claudius, but it won't work.
KING
What do you mean, Hamlet?
HAMLET
I know what you're up to, trying to get me
drunk! I'm staying sober for this match!
Hamlet and Laertes fence. Hamlet scores another hit.
HAMLET
Another hit! What say you?
LAERTES
A touch, a touch, I do confess it.
The Queen takes the poisoned chalice.
QUEEN
I drink to thy good fortune, Hamlet.
KING
Gertrude, do not drink!
QUEEN
I will, my lord; I pray you pardon me.
She drinks. The King speaks quietly to himself.
KING
It is the poisoned cup; it is too late.
HAMLET
Come, Laertes.
They fence for a while, but no one is hit. They pause.
OSRIC
Nothing either way.
LAERTES
Have at you now!
Suddenly, Laertes stabs at Hamlet before the match has started again. Hamlet is scratched by the envenomed sword.
HAMLET
That was an unthrustworthy attack!
They start to fence again in earnest. Laertes drops his sword. Hamlet exchanges swords with him. Hamlet wounds Laertes. Suddenly, the Queen falls.
OSRIC
Look to the Queen!
KING
She swoons to see them bleed.
QUEEN
No, no, the drink, the drink, -- Oh, my dear
Hamlet, -- the drink, the drink --
Hamlet picks up the chalice and offers it to her.
HAMLET
You want a drink?
QUEEN
I am poisoned!
She dies.
HAMLET
What???
Laertes falls.
LAERTES
Hamlet, thou art slain.
HAMLET
Don't be ridiculous! This is a comedy!
LAERTES
Thou art slain! The treacherous instrument is in
thy hand, unbated and envenomed. Thy mother's
poisoned. The King, the King's to blame!
Hamlet is furious. He turns to face Claudius.
HAMLET
Thou incestuous, murderous, damned Dane,
I'll kill you now!!!
However, before Hamlet can act, he starts thinking again.
HAMLET
But which shall I use, the envenomed sword
or the poisoned drink? The sword would be
more bloody and more certain, but it would
seem too like an honorable soldier's death.
The poison is a more ignominious end, but
there is little left, and how can I be sure he'd
drink it down. On the other hand, maybe
I shouldn't kill him at all, now that his treachery
is known to all, but let him live on in disgrace,
until the people do....
Everyone who is still alive yells at Hamlet.
ALL
Kill him already! Make up your mind and kill
him!!!
HAMLET
Oh, what the hell!
Hamlet stabs Claudius with the envenomed sword, and at the same time pours the poisoned drink down his throat. Claudius dies.
LAERTES
He is justly served. Exchange forgiveness with me,
noble Hamlet! I blame you not for mine and my
father's death. Blame me not for thine!
Laertes dies. Hamlet collapses, and Horatio goes to him.
HAMLET
I am dying, Horatio. I'd hoped the ending would
be funnier than this.
HORATIO
You want me to tell some jokes?
HAMLET
I didn't think I'd die, as long as I kept this a comedy.
Maybe killing Rosencrantz and Guildenstern wasn't
such a funny idea after all. Horatio, how is it that
you're the only major character to survive? The
only one in the entire play?
HORATIO
It's funny you should ask. I didn't think I was gonna
live. In fact, I was so sure I was gonna die, I bet
this guy named Will Shakespeare 200 kroner that
I'd die before the play was over, and what do you
think happens? I lose the bet! Just my luck, huh?
HAMLET
The rest is silence.
Hamlet dies. The sound of military drums comes from off stage.
HORATIO
Hey, what's that noise?
Osric runs off stage to find out. He returns.
OSRIC
Young Fortinbras, with conquest comes from
Poland.
Enter YOUNG FORTINBRAS and some of his soldiers. Young Fortinbras has a ski-slope shaped nose, and speaks with rapid-fire delivery.
FORTINBRAS
Hi, this is Young "Happy To Be Back In Denmark"
Fortinbras, and I gotta tell you, I thought I'd seen
bloodshed in Poland, but this is ridiculous. I was
going to give the Danish court a twenty-one gun
salute, but it looks like someone beat me to it.
You know, a funny thing happened on the way
to the castle. I ran into the English Ambassador,
and he told me that Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
are dead. I said, "Who isn't?" But I love Elsinore,
it's gotta be the only place on Earth where they
built a moat to protect the people outside from the
violence inside the castle. But seriously, folks,
such a sight as this becomes the field, but here
shows much amiss. Go bid the soldiers shoot.
Exeunt, bearing off the dead bodies; after which a peal of ordinance is shot off.
********************************************************
THE END
© 2000 by Richard Nathan. All rights reserved
English Drama
Labels: English Drama
